Do we really have to be authentic all the time?
Exploring masking as a safety precaution
Five years ago, shortly after the birth of my first daughter, my Mum told me she had met this fabulous woman on an island in Greece, who had been to see a life transforming therapist in London and she passed on her details. I think it’s fairly safe to say I have tried, tested and got the T shirt from most alternative therapies out there (except plant medicine, I’m too frightened to try that whilst my kids are small) but this one sounded different - she was, I guess, part energy healer/part sage. We had a brief chat on the phone about what I was hoping to gain from the session and she spoke in mildy confusing and vague metaphors, like silk rolling off a serpents tongue. I was still bewildered when we got off the phone but being innately curious, coupled with utterly desperate to feel ‘fixed’ I went along.
I met her in a surprisingly upmarket street in a trendy neighbourhood of West London, in one of these wellbeing centres that seem to have popped up all over the city now. I knew I liked her instantly. It might take me weeks for some things to register, as I explain more about here, but I can tell pretty instantaneously that we are vibrating on the same plane. To this day I’m still not sure what happened in that session; no lying on a bed, no hands on my body, we just…talked. It felt in parts like talking therapy but if talking therapy was based on a spiritual level rather than purely emotional and memory based. I spoke with her about the frustrations I had in my relationship, as a Mother and as a human being living in a world that doesn’t feel designed for me. There were no deep dives into neurodivergence, it wasn’t really a hot topic then but even if it had been, it didn’t seem to fit with the other worldy space she was alluding to.
I sat there for an hour whilst she told me ancient stories from thousands of years ago and explained that in someway, perhaps my struggles were carried from a previous life into this one. She read my energy and said I was ‘very light’ and that I possessed a quality that needed to be nurtured and protected. She said I was just like her. That we feel so deeply, even benign words to some, can feel as painful as a wound to us. I guess thats not that unique, I have read Elaine N Aron’s book on being a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) after all and I know there are MANY of us in the world.
Just before the end of our session, I told her how increasingly deflated I had become with not having authentic conversations with people. That is, people not being authentic with me and I really loathe small talk, although I have got better at this after having kids; you kind of have to. Her response has stayed with me till this day, she simply said ‘get over it; most people in this world are wearing a mask’.
I had just received my first spiritual slap in the face. It didn’t sting quite as hard as I thought it would. Rather it felt invigorating, to hear an honest and straightforward truth. A welcome relief from all the otherwise, slightly confusing talk about past life encounters. A breath of fresh air for someone who likes things to fit into neat boxes of explanation.
A recent conversation with Annie Ridout reminded me of this encounter and it got me thinking about my perspective on masking all these years later.
We talk a lot about masking in neurodiversity but I think we sometimes forget that everyone masks in some form or another, depending on how safe they feel. There is a 16th century Japanese proverb that states everyone has three faces; the one they show the world, the one they show friends and family and the one they keep to themselves. So masking isn’t a new concept. When my daughter was 4 years old, completely out of the blue, she said ‘Mummy I am my pretend self at school and my real self at home’. Not only was this profound at such a young age but it got me thinking about masking from her perspective, rather than my perspective on her masking. Up until this point, at least in our personal journey with ND, masking was seen as a problem and I admit, I thought it sad that she masked so much of her personality. Coupled with the fact the Nursery and School didn’t see any of the behaviour we were experiencing at home which made me doubt my parenting intuition for a long time. It’s also problematic as the containing all day results in epic explosions behind closed doors and transitions from school to home can be unbearable.
We started to discuss with a family support worker, the ways in which we could facilitate our daughter to ‘un mask’ at school, letting the cork pop so to speak, so that we wouldn’t have to deal with such volcanic eruptions later. As she got older the school started to set targets for our daughter to hit; such as putting her hand up more in class to participate. In other words; not being afraid of getting the answer wrong, publicly. None of this ever came to fruition and for good reason. I started to realise that my daughters mask was in fact protecting her, not limiting her and I agreed with her teacher that there was no point setting her up to fail. Heck, I still don’t raise my hand as an adult! By keeping her hand firmly by her side, she doesn’t have to deal with the painful burn of shame that makes her legs actually hurt if she gets the question wrong, this is far more favourable than dealing with the fact that she did know the right answer all along but never got to share it. I know all of this because this was me. Still is.
Although the meltdowns aren’t nice for anyone; I completely support her need to mask in school. As a tiny human trying to find her place in the social ranks, navigate complex interactions with peers and take instruction from adults who aren’t her safe people; masking is simply a survival tactic. As much as I wish that she knew being herself is enough, I know that moulding yourself to fit the status quo is sometimes the easier option when there are so many other plates to keep spinning in the school day. Things like keeping up with social situations that require a lot of processing time, frequent transitions to and from lessons/rooms/activities, lining up, having to sit still for long periods of time, holding in tears when they could easily flow at least 10 times a day and having to keep your mouth shut even when you are desperate to let the teacher know the real version of the story, to name just a few! Only yesterday she was commended on not crying when she fell and took a pretty rough knock to both knees and the side of her face. I know she would have wanted to cry, anyone would but to let people see her crying would leave her dealing with emotional dysregulation for days if not weeks. What would people think? Wasn’t she brave? I don’t want to make a fuss. I’m not safe.
I no longer see the mask that my daughter wears as a problem to be fixed and I completely understand why she doesn’t feel comfortable removing this at school in any capacity. It leaves her too vulnerable, removing the bolsters she puts in place to keep her standing strong all day.
So my thoughts on masking have changed since my session with the sage. I am less judgmental of others who never seem to take the mask off; I understand that for many, this is simply a survival tactic. I understand the self soothing that comes from portraying a somewhat perfect life on social media, that is not reflective of their reality. That in fact, it’s ok for me to mask too; at a social engagement or a soft play date or even on days where I’m just not feeling quite myself. I think it’s harder than ever to be authentic, in a world where being yourself is so heavily analysed, critiqued and compared with other people. Now I feel really honoured when someone shows up as their authentic selves and feels safe enough to let me in, I treasure connections like this as they can be so few and far between. A handful is enough for me, paired with a big pinch of compassion for conversations in our 1st face. The face that bolsters us in for the ricochet rollercoaster journey that is life right now; may we all navigate this in whichever face we need to feel safe but always remember, allowing ourselves to be held in our authenticity is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and others.
Roxanne x